Music. It's songs which can express how you feel. In high school it was how I could show my anger. I remember blasting Slipknot/Nightwish/H.I.M in my room after getting into arguments with my parents. Playing Neyo's So Sick or Brown Eyes by Destiney's Child after break ups. It's was a way to show someone how I felt without telling them how I felt. Music got me through tough times in HS. I lost that love though in Iowa, in college. Depression really hit me hard the 2nd semester. I stopped going to class, stopped caring that I was wasting money that wasn't mine, didn't give a crap about my appearance, and practically ignored my family for a while. Music was there for a while, to help me ignore the facts I didn't like, but even then it started to have less and less of an effect. Like a drug that is taken too often, you need more to feel that high. How do you do that with music though? So I stopped listening.
Only now am I trying to find that same love of music. It's tough. I've found that my tastes have changed somewhat. I find it hard to listen to the same things that I did before. No more Nightwish, Slipknot, The Rasmus, or any dark/heavy/death metal. Although, I am still loyal and able to stomach to a few bands like P.O.D, Matisyahu, Hard Fi, Metallica when they performed with the orchestra, etc. It seems I favor a more Mainstream/Indie vibe now, it's not the same as the euphoria I used to get. It's more muted. I guess I still haven't found music that I love. It's stuff I can tolerate. Not like the when I first discovered Audioslave. That was love at first play. Hopefully, I'll be able to find something like that again.
I guess like everything in life, it changes.
Some trip-hop to listen to. :]
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
More Often Than Sometimes.
I stumbled onto a spoken word youtube video via an r/AskReddit thread about the most initimate (non-sexual) thing you've done with an SO. In the video, he was talking about a girl (his first?) and describe himself just writing notes on her skin with his fingers. Watch, it is beautiful. He signs off with the following quote.
...It reminds us who and where we are. It lives like a heart-shaped jar that we hand others and ask, "Can you open this for me?" We always get the same answer. "Not without breaking it..." -Shane Koyczan
Monday, May 20, 2013
Almost a Year & Regret
Just shy by 2 months, since I've posted here. Somethings have changed.
1. I finally have a job.
2. For the first time, I am a junior in college.
3. Going to the gym more regularly.
4. Talking to a couple of HS friends more often.
And some things that haven't changed:
1. There are still bouts of bad feels.
2. I still really miss certain people from HS.
3. Still mulling over my regrets.
4. Picking the wrong guy.
5. Still 185.
There's a reason why out of the blue I'm on here. It's not like anyone is going to ever know this piece of internet exists. I recently discovered my HS friend's blog. Mi-squared. To be honest, she's one of my biggest regrets in life. We grew up together. It's all my fault too, the growing distant after graduating HS. Just never knew how to reconnect after. It didn't help that I blew her off while in the US, or didn't visit while I was in SF.
Reading through her blog, it made me realize how much she's grown up. How mature she sounds now, how much wiser she is. It's seems like she went through a really tough time from the glimpses of her life that I get to stalk, depression and not knowing who she is. Been there and actually haven't left yet. I'm glad that she has Ged, Kea, Ru, her parents, and countless people she met in college. I wish I could have been there to help her, but I wasn't. It's not okay that I wasn't, kinda a really bitter pill to swallow for me. We were the girls, after graduation, when everyone floods into the hall, who were hugging and crying, promising to never lose touch because bestfriends don't do that.
I'm writing this because I want to say I'm sorry to her. Sorry to have not been there like friends are supposed to be, or to have ignored her, of making empty promises to meet again, of just being a plain old douche. She won't know how I feel because I have no way of contacting her, but I still would like to say a couple of things. I really hope that someway/someday I'll get to make it up to you, Mimi. I would like to be your friend again. You are one of the things that I'll carry around forever. Maybe someday it'll be a lesson I'll teach my children, to never take anyone for granted like I did to you.
You'll always be my sister, even if I am no longer yours.
1. I finally have a job.
2. For the first time, I am a junior in college.
3. Going to the gym more regularly.
4. Talking to a couple of HS friends more often.
And some things that haven't changed:
1. There are still bouts of bad feels.
2. I still really miss certain people from HS.
3. Still mulling over my regrets.
4. Picking the wrong guy.
5. Still 185.
There's a reason why out of the blue I'm on here. It's not like anyone is going to ever know this piece of internet exists. I recently discovered my HS friend's blog. Mi-squared. To be honest, she's one of my biggest regrets in life. We grew up together. It's all my fault too, the growing distant after graduating HS. Just never knew how to reconnect after. It didn't help that I blew her off while in the US, or didn't visit while I was in SF.
Reading through her blog, it made me realize how much she's grown up. How mature she sounds now, how much wiser she is. It's seems like she went through a really tough time from the glimpses of her life that I get to stalk, depression and not knowing who she is. Been there and actually haven't left yet. I'm glad that she has Ged, Kea, Ru, her parents, and countless people she met in college. I wish I could have been there to help her, but I wasn't. It's not okay that I wasn't, kinda a really bitter pill to swallow for me. We were the girls, after graduation, when everyone floods into the hall, who were hugging and crying, promising to never lose touch because bestfriends don't do that.
I'm writing this because I want to say I'm sorry to her. Sorry to have not been there like friends are supposed to be, or to have ignored her, of making empty promises to meet again, of just being a plain old douche. She won't know how I feel because I have no way of contacting her, but I still would like to say a couple of things. I really hope that someway/someday I'll get to make it up to you, Mimi. I would like to be your friend again. You are one of the things that I'll carry around forever. Maybe someday it'll be a lesson I'll teach my children, to never take anyone for granted like I did to you.
You'll always be my sister, even if I am no longer yours.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Adulthood.
It has been a while. I haven't forgotten about the blog, it's just difficult to write something on here when I don't have anything to write about. Sure my family and I went to Thailand for a couple of days to renew our visas, but that is barely worth mentioning. I wanted to make this more of a day to day thing, however, my life isn't that interesting. Haha. Really right now it is just wake up, go to school, go home, maybe do homework, and sleep. School isn't kicking my ass yet, I have a feeling that it will though.
Going to a school where I am older then the people in my class, well makes me feel ancient. The people in my batch are 16-18 years old and I'm 22. It feels like a lifetime ago when I think about myself at that age. Why am I 22 and a 2nd year in college? Let's just say I was a st00pid kid that decided to do college in the US and not take it seriously. Well now I am here while my classmates from high school are all graduated. I guess someone had to be the straggler. :P
I had my anatomy class last night and we had our 1st major exam. The teacher Ma'am Chona fancies herself a matchmaker and has decided that I should be with Anvil because he is large and I am large. I will tell you, that I have lost 70 pounds. It's like losing a leg without cutting it off :p By Filipino standards I was HUUUUUGE. Now, I am still bigger then the average sized Filipino, but it doesn't mean that I am going to date people who are larger or anyone at all. Anvil is a nice person, but the age gap is quite big. When I was his age all I could think about was turning 18, leaving the nest, and dating a cute boy. A boy that was built, good looking, and funny. I realize that I have slightly matured when it comes to the qualities that makes a guy date-able. Sure, somethings don't change like finding someone who is funny - I am a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh - and liking some of the same things. There are new traits that I find desirable like being financially stable or even able, and being masipag or hardworking. I mean, who wants to date a guy who does nothing all day but hang at his parents house playing a game on his computer. Looks aren't super important anymore, but it's always a bonus. Plus I don't think that I should be dating anyone, it would mess up the study habits that are currently existing. Add a boy to the mix and those will be left forgotten. It's not like I am a complete and awesome catch because I am far from it. I still act younger then I am. Sometimes it's endearing and other times I find myself really annoying. I am currently large and in charge - working on changing that. There are moments when I feel like I have matured into a semi-adult, like when I hang out with the people of my batch. It's nice feeling that I have grown in someways.
Saying that I wont date someone through out this college experience is a bit of a stretch. I would say that I won't date anyone seriously until I finish. Maybe even that's a bit of a stretch too. Hopefully, I will listen to my brain instead of my heart, because man-o-man that thing has screwed me over. Hahaha.
Going to a school where I am older then the people in my class, well makes me feel ancient. The people in my batch are 16-18 years old and I'm 22. It feels like a lifetime ago when I think about myself at that age. Why am I 22 and a 2nd year in college? Let's just say I was a st00pid kid that decided to do college in the US and not take it seriously. Well now I am here while my classmates from high school are all graduated. I guess someone had to be the straggler. :P
I had my anatomy class last night and we had our 1st major exam. The teacher Ma'am Chona fancies herself a matchmaker and has decided that I should be with Anvil because he is large and I am large. I will tell you, that I have lost 70 pounds. It's like losing a leg without cutting it off :p By Filipino standards I was HUUUUUGE. Now, I am still bigger then the average sized Filipino, but it doesn't mean that I am going to date people who are larger or anyone at all. Anvil is a nice person, but the age gap is quite big. When I was his age all I could think about was turning 18, leaving the nest, and dating a cute boy. A boy that was built, good looking, and funny. I realize that I have slightly matured when it comes to the qualities that makes a guy date-able. Sure, somethings don't change like finding someone who is funny - I am a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh - and liking some of the same things. There are new traits that I find desirable like being financially stable or even able, and being masipag or hardworking. I mean, who wants to date a guy who does nothing all day but hang at his parents house playing a game on his computer. Looks aren't super important anymore, but it's always a bonus. Plus I don't think that I should be dating anyone, it would mess up the study habits that are currently existing. Add a boy to the mix and those will be left forgotten. It's not like I am a complete and awesome catch because I am far from it. I still act younger then I am. Sometimes it's endearing and other times I find myself really annoying. I am currently large and in charge - working on changing that. There are moments when I feel like I have matured into a semi-adult, like when I hang out with the people of my batch. It's nice feeling that I have grown in someways.
Saying that I wont date someone through out this college experience is a bit of a stretch. I would say that I won't date anyone seriously until I finish. Maybe even that's a bit of a stretch too. Hopefully, I will listen to my brain instead of my heart, because man-o-man that thing has screwed me over. Hahaha.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
School.
So another new school year. I am currently a 2nd year irregular. Irregular in the sense that I enrolled during the second semester, it's not because I irregularly attend class. Although it has happened in the past. Another year of meeting new students who will end up caling me 'ate' because I am 22 and the freshmen are 16-17. What an age gap. I should be a fourth year right now, but I can't do anything about that. I decided to listen to a boy and be bull-headed. My parents were right. Don't they always or at least most of the time know what's good for you? I made mistakes and regret a lot, however that doesn't change my current situation. All I can do is finish what I started, and I will because this is my last chance. The last chance I am giving myself. I don't want to be a schmuck.
I wish I could be more eloquent with what I type. I was never really good at writing down what I thought or wanted to express. So a recap of the last few years next time.
I wish I could be more eloquent with what I type. I was never really good at writing down what I thought or wanted to express. So a recap of the last few years next time.
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