Rediscovering

Music. It's songs which can express how you feel. In high school it was how I could show my anger. I remember blasting Slipknot/Nightwish/H.I.M in my room after getting into arguments with my parents. Playing Neyo's So Sick or Brown Eyes by Destiney's Child after break ups. It's was a way to show someone how I felt without telling them how I felt. Music got me through tough times in HS. I lost that love though in Iowa, in college. Depression really hit me hard the 2nd semester. I stopped going to class, stopped caring that I was wasting money that wasn't mine, didn't give a crap about my appearance, and practically ignored my family for a while. Music was there for a while, to help me ignore the facts I didn't like, but even then it started to have less and less of an effect. Like a drug that is taken too often, you need more to feel that high. How do you do that with music though? So I stopped listening.

Only now am I trying to find that same love of music. It's tough. I've found that my tastes have changed somewhat. I find it hard to listen to the same things that I did before. No more Nightwish, Slipknot, The Rasmus, or any dark/heavy/death metal. Although, I am still loyal and able to stomach to a few bands like P.O.D, Matisyahu, Hard Fi, Metallica when they performed with the orchestra, etc. It seems I favor a more Mainstream/Indie vibe now, it's not the same as the euphoria I used to get. It's more muted. I guess I still haven't found music that I love. It's stuff I can tolerate. Not like the when I first discovered Audioslave. That was love at first play. Hopefully, I'll be able to find something like that again.

I guess like everything in life, it changes.


Some trip-hop to listen to. :]

More Often Than Sometimes.

I stumbled onto a spoken word youtube video via an r/AskReddit thread about the most initimate (non-sexual) thing you've done with an SO. In the video, he was talking about a girl (his first?) and describe himself just writing notes on her skin with his fingers. Watch, it is beautiful. He signs off with the following quote.

...It reminds us who and where we are. It lives like a heart-shaped jar that we hand others and ask, "Can you open this for me?" We always get the same answer. "Not without breaking it..."   -Shane Koyczan

Almost a Year & Regret

Just shy by 2 months, since I've posted here. Somethings have changed.
1. I finally have a job.
2. For the first time, I am a junior in college.
3. Going to the gym more regularly.
4. Talking to a couple of HS friends more often.

And some things that haven't changed:
1. There are still bouts of bad feels.
2. I still really miss certain people from HS.
3. Still mulling over my regrets.
4. Picking the wrong guy.
5. Still 185.

There's a reason why out of the blue I'm on here. It's not like anyone is going to ever know this piece of internet exists. I recently discovered my HS friend's blog. Mi-squared. To be honest, she's one of my biggest regrets in life. We grew up together. It's all my fault too, the growing distant after graduating HS. Just never knew how to reconnect after. It didn't help that I blew her off while in the US, or didn't visit while I was in SF.

Reading through her blog, it made me realize how much she's grown up. How mature she sounds now, how much wiser she is. It's seems like she went through a really tough time from the glimpses of her life that I get to stalk, depression and not knowing who she is. Been there and actually haven't left yet. I'm glad that she has Ged, Kea, Ru, her parents, and countless people she met in college. I wish I could have been there to help her, but I wasn't. It's not okay that I wasn't, kinda a really bitter pill to swallow for me. We were the girls, after graduation, when everyone floods into the hall, who were hugging and crying, promising to never lose touch because bestfriends don't do that.

I'm writing this because I want to say I'm sorry to her. Sorry to have not been there like friends are supposed to be, or to have ignored her, of making empty promises to meet again, of just being a plain old douche. She won't know how I feel because I have no way of contacting her, but I still would like to say a couple of things. I really hope that someway/someday I'll get to make it up to you, Mimi. I would like to be your friend again. You are one of the things that I'll carry around forever. Maybe someday it'll be a lesson I'll teach my children, to never take anyone for granted like I did to you.

You'll always be my sister, even if I am no longer yours.